Letters to Jillian

 I rewatched Arrival last night.  No surprise,  I had forgotten nearly everything about it.  But it brings up an interesting question... if you knew what was going to happen in the future,  and it was a bad ending,  would you still go through it? I found myself doing some deep soul searching today.   As bad as this hurts,  as much as it hurts to breathe in and out right now,  yes,  I would rather have had all the good you and I did have,  even with this outcome,  as opposed to never having had you in my life. That's not to say I wouldn't do things differently in hind sight. But even if it were the same outcome,  yes,  I am glad to have the time we did. And I pray there will be more some day. 

 I reached out to you this week.  You responded full of hatefulness.  Part of that is that you're hurting so badly.  Part of that is that you want me to hurt just as badly.  Trust me,  I do.  I've spent 3 days pretty much crying nonstop. I don't know where the tears are coming from anymore. Surely I'm dehydrated.   I do badly want to take this pain away for you.  I want to fix it immediately.  But I can't.  The only thing that will fix this is Jesus,  baby.  And time. So while I wait for you,  I will wait with you.  I will acutely feel a portion of the pain that you are feeling.  I wish you would let me share it with you.  But you have made it clear that you don't want that.   But I trust Jesus to do what He does best: Redemption.  One day,  you will turn to Him and ask for it. And He will give it.  Then,  and only then,  will you begin to forgive yourself.  ...