Letters to Jillian

 I miss you.

 I rewatched Arrival last night.  No surprise,  I had forgotten nearly everything about it.  But it brings up an interesting question... if you knew what was going to happen in the future,  and it was a bad ending,  would you still go through it? I found myself doing some deep soul searching today.   As bad as this hurts,  as much as it hurts to breathe in and out right now,  yes,  I would rather have had all the good you and I did have,  even with this outcome,  as opposed to never having had you in my life. That's not to say I wouldn't do things differently in hind sight. But even if it were the same outcome,  yes,  I am glad to have the time we did. And I pray there will be more some day. 

 I reached out to you this week.  You responded full of hatefulness.  Part of that is that you're hurting so badly.  Part of that is that you want me to hurt just as badly.  Trust me,  I do.  I've spent 3 days pretty much crying nonstop. I don't know where the tears are coming from anymore. Surely I'm dehydrated.   I do badly want to take this pain away for you.  I want to fix it immediately.  But I can't.  The only thing that will fix this is Jesus,  baby.  And time. So while I wait for you,  I will wait with you.  I will acutely feel a portion of the pain that you are feeling.  I wish you would let me share it with you.  But you have made it clear that you don't want that.   But I trust Jesus to do what He does best: Redemption.  One day,  you will turn to Him and ask for it. And He will give it.  Then,  and only then,  will you begin to forgive yourself.  To love yourself.  To allow your heart to mend.  And, I pray that you will KNOW that you can also turn to

 Yesterday was Mother's Day.  I've spent 19 of them with you but yesterday was my first without you.  I miss you so much, it hurts like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest with a spoon.  I tried yesterday,  I really did.  I smiled and returned the obligatory,  "Happy Mothers Day to you too" but each time, I died again. I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want anyone to tell me that I'm a good mom... except you.  Your sister asked me to watch Mom's Night Out with her on Friday night.  I always think of the crazy they go through.  But then we got to THAT part. The "It's beautiful to watch one of God's creations just doing what it was made to do. Ya'll spend so much time beating yourselves up. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake,  giving your kiddos the mom He did," part.  And I lost it.  Yesyerday your friend,  Sarah, texted me and told me that I am an "awesome mom".  And that means a lot to me because I know sh