Mother's Day

 Yesterday was Mother's Day.  I've spent 19 of them with you but yesterday was my first without you.  I miss you so much, it hurts like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest with a spoon. 

I tried yesterday,  I really did.  I smiled and returned the obligatory,  "Happy Mothers Day to you too" but each time, I died again. I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want anyone to tell me that I'm a good mom... except you. 

Your sister asked me to watch Mom's Night Out with her on Friday night.  I always think of the crazy they go through.  But then we got to THAT part. The "It's beautiful to watch one of God's creations just doing what it was made to do. Ya'll spend so much time beating yourselves up. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake,  giving your kiddos the mom He did," part.  And I lost it. 

Yesterday your friend,  Sarah, texted me and told me that I am an "awesome mom".  And that means a lot to me because I know she hears mostly your side of the story, and you are fabricating a narrative in your head which is not based on truth.  

Even your cousin,  who we fostered for six months,  texted to wish me a happy Mothers Day.  I've not heard from him directly since he left our house 6 years ago but he chose this year... my first without you... to reach out. 

When will you see that I'm not your enemy?  I want you to come home.  I want to mend our relationship.  I want to help you.  I want to love on you. I want to hug you and never let go. I want to watch a stupid RomCom and laugh until we fall on the floor in tears.  I want to talk with you in the kitchen about life as we sautee asparagus,  zucchini,  sausage and eggs. 

But you are living a lie right now.  You are lying to the whole world, to your "friends", and to your family... but mostly to yourself. You are not being truthful with yourself. When will you wake up?  I hope it's soon because I'm dying inside and I want to fix this before I'm gone. 

I believe there is a higher purpose for you and me to be going through this.  I can't see it yet. It's hard to see anything but darkness these days.  But I am holding onto hope. Hope that He can make something beautiful out of all this mess. And I know He can. I can do clearly see a future where you are healed and whole and healthy.  Where He uses you to write Truth with that amazing talent He has given you,  in order to help others.  Many others. But you have to want it too. And before that,  you have to discover Truth first. I'm holding on to the hope of a future where you will fly and even soar,  my darling. I love you,  Bean.