Dreams

It's rare that I dream about you, which I find intriguing since you occupy so much of my thoughts during my wakeful hours.  Tonight, I was dealing with my chronic pain and had a very hard time sleeping.  I'd tossed and turned and wished for dawn several times already, dozing lightly for a few minutes here and there.  It was then that I had a vivid dream about you.

R had a friend over and they were moving some of her clothes to the van.  I was struggling to figure out why, and deep down, I was petrified that she was leaving - with no reason given - too.  As I continued to question her, she finally admitted sheepishly that she had opened a consignment account and was taking clothes to sell.  I was instantly relieved but as I was drawing breath to say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that I might be worried that you were leaving just like your sister did?", M walked in through the garage door.  Her face had changed since I last saw her.  It was thinner and yet, fuller than I had last seen.  Her hair was longer and her makeup was expertly applied.  I jumped, totally taken in surprise, and she started to immediately head out the door again.  I said, "No, it's ok.  I just wasn't expecting you."  She smiled her old happy smile and I finally saw the old M again. It was as if the last year and a half hadn't happened and life had continued, though we both struggled a bit knowing that it had happened.  I wanted to immediately grab her up in my arms and tell her that all was forgiven and we could have a brand-new start...but I was scared that it wouldn't be received.  That I might push her farther away in doing that.  So I stood there, awkwardly not knowing what to do.  I was still in my nightgown and she said, "Come on, we need introductions (referring to someone else in her party, waiting outside."  I said, "Let me get dressed first."  Introductions?  Meaning that she wants to share even a portion of her life with me now?  I tried to steel my emotions, unsure that I could handle another crushed expectation. I frantically dug through a clean laundry basket on the couch before she could change her mind.  No luck in finding clothes.  R and M joined me and we headed upstairs.  Our room was up an unfinished opening on the left and I pulled a ladder down to access the room but it wouldn't stay in the right position.  I tried for a while to make that work, with both girls giving advice, and finally gave up.  I headed to the bathroom instead.  On my way (alone now and no longer worried about how I was dressed), I saw into the living room.  It was dark because they were watching a movie and I could see the silhouettes of two young men sitting on the couch.  Somehow I knew J and E were with M and her boyfriend.  

I got to the bathroom and the shower was empty but running.  I tried to do something with my hair and grabbed a product from the counter (the counter being the one from my own childhood).  The hair product was one I was unfamiliar with and I asked your dad whose it was - he said that M wanted to take a shower.  I told him that J was there also, and two young men, who I assumed were their boyfriends.  "What does this mean?" I asked him.  He shrugged in that I-don't-know way.  I said, "Maybe they're having a double wedding....or already did?"  Looking forward to meeting them now, I opened the door and then woke up.  

I then realized that any further attempt to go back to sleep was pointless and I got up.  The dream has left me unsettled.  Honestly, I'm glad I don't dream about you girls often because it always does unsettle me, in one way or the other.  Either I find myself wishing it would come true, or I'm getting chewed out by you again and don't need that on top of the real chew-outs I've already received.

In the end, I still miss you.  Whoever you are today, I still want to be a part of your life.  It's ok if we don't agree on things.  Even the big things.  But just to be able to talk to you, even once every couple months, would be one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive.  I continue to pray for you both daily, usually multiple times.  I think of you often throughout the day.  I long to tell you things about me as much as I long to hear from you.  I recently worked on a new costume and kept being reminded of how fun it would be to share that creation experience with M, who loves costumes.  My heart aches to hug you both.  And I still believe that day will come eventually.  I look for it expectantly.