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Dreams

It's rare that I dream about you, which I find intriguing since you occupy so much of my thoughts during my wakeful hours.  Tonight, I was dealing with my chronic pain and had a very hard time sleeping.  I'd tossed and turned and wished for dawn several times already, dozing lightly for a few minutes here and there.  It was then that I had a vivid dream about you. R had a friend over and they were moving some of her clothes to the van.  I was struggling to figure out why, and deep down, I was petrified that she was leaving - with no reason given - too.  As I continued to question her, she finally admitted sheepishly that she had opened a consignment account and was taking clothes to sell.  I was instantly relieved but as I was drawing breath to say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that I might be worried that you were leaving just like your sister did?", M walked in through the garage door.  Her face had changed since I last saw her.  It ...
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Pruning

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 A week after your 21st birthday, I went outside to watch Dad prune your tree and others in our yard.  He cut off the branches which were going in the opposite direction.  He cut off the ones that looked damaged.  He cut off the ones which were going to rub against each other and cause damage during wind storms. He then found suckers.  These are new shoots from the root that sprout up fast and straight next to the main tree and they try to take over as the main trunk.  He cut those off at the ground. As I silently watched him pruning, it reminded me of how God prunes us.  And how He's going to prune you. I remember how He pruned me throughout my life.  When I was 16 and going my own direction, after having dedicated my life to him at the age of 7, He started calling me back.  I heard Him, I felt Him trying to prune branches out of my trunk.  My eyes were opened that certain friends weren't good for me and I felt led to cut those off....
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Definition

 "Your last bad decision doesn't have to define you." I want a relationship with you. Even if we have to agree to disagree. Even if we have to avoid certain subjects.  You are my child. I love you and my heart aches for you.  You are in my thoughts daily, sometimes all day long.   I miss our friendship, even though you were never honest with me about yourself.  I want to start over and to be honest with each other.  But I don't think you are ready for that. When you are, know that I'll always be ready. Whatever it takes. Love,  Mom
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Truth

 I miss you.
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Arrival

 I rewatched Arrival last night.  No surprise,  I had forgotten nearly everything about it.  But it brings up an interesting question... if you knew what was going to happen in the future,  and it was a bad ending,  would you still go through it? I found myself doing some deep soul searching today.   As bad as this hurts,  as much as it hurts to breathe in and out right now,  yes,  I would rather have had all the good you and I did have,  even with this outcome,  as opposed to never having had you in my life. That's not to say I wouldn't do things differently in hind sight. But even if it were the same outcome,  yes,  I am glad to have the time we did. And I pray there will be more some day. 
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Pain

 I reached out to you this week.  You responded full of hatefulness.  Part of that is that you're hurting so badly.  Part of that is that you want me to hurt just as badly.  Trust me,  I do.  I've spent 3 days pretty much crying nonstop. I don't know where the tears are coming from anymore. Surely I'm dehydrated.   I do badly want to take this pain away for you.  I want to fix it immediately.  But I can't.  The only thing that will fix this is Jesus,  baby.  And time. So while I wait for you,  I will wait with you.  I will acutely feel a portion of the pain that you are feeling.  I wish you would let me share it with you.  But you have made it clear that you don't want that.   But I trust Jesus to do what He does best: Redemption.  One day,  you will turn to Him and ask for it. And He will give it.  Then,  and only then,  will you begin to forgive yourself.  ...
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Mother's Day

 Yesterday was Mother's Day.  I've spent 19 of them with you but yesterday was my first without you.  I miss you so much, it hurts like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest with a spoon.  I tried yesterday,  I really did.  I smiled and returned the obligatory,  "Happy Mothers Day to you too" but each time, I died again. I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want anyone to tell me that I'm a good mom... except you.  Your sister asked me to watch Mom's Night Out with her on Friday night.  I always think of the crazy they go through.  But then we got to THAT part. The "It's beautiful to watch one of God's creations just doing what it was made to do. Ya'll spend so much time beating yourselves up. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake,  giving your kiddos the mom He did," part.  And I lost it.  Yesterday your friend,  Sarah, texted me and told me that I am an "awesome mom".  And that means a lot to me beca...
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